I broke down today.
Foundations bared.
Fortified walls reduced to rubble.
On hands and knees, back shuddering in rhythm with my sobs.
Despair threatening me, beckoning…
Calling in sugar-coated whispers how good it felt to have me back.
My studio next to the train tracks had tenants but despair said they would gladly let me stay…
They love company.
I remembered the comfortable sadness. Pink Floyd would call it comfortably numb…which is what it felt, albeit without drugs.
Au naturel is the way to be for me. Organic, earthy sadness…ancient, really.
The artificially-sweet voice tries to coax me with a familiar lullaby.
I feel myself drifting…slowly closing my bloodshot eyes to focus better.
I hear the faintest of sounds. It is small and still but I hear it.
Thinking it is coming from a distance…someplace like another lifetime maybe.
Realizing the sound is coming from inside me, deep within.
My heart quickens as fresh tears bubble up, although not filled with despair, but filled with Love…ancient, really.
The feeling inside me is charged.
I feel electrified as my strength returns.
Every heart beat is a repeat…”I never left, nor will I forsake you…I never left, nor will I forsake you”.
Each breath is laden with praise for You. In…out…in…out…
I breathe in the Father…
Breathe out fear…
Breathe in the Son…
Breathe out condemnation…
Breathe in the Holy Spirit…
Breathe out loneliness and despair. Good-bye old friend.
Breathe in peace. Breathe out peace. Breathe in peace. Breathe out peace.
Breathe…Breathe…….Breathe.
smileyhappysarah, 2-9-16
thoughts and ramblings 